i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
