Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
