theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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