I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
