I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
