My first STD was from a foam party
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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