Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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