I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
birth control should be required to get into college
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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