...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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