I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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