somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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