Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
