I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
