Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
