I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
