I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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