Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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