WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
