"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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