My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
