Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Randomize
