my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
