explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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