maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
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