I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
