i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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