dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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