You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
