I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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