i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
barbara walters just said penis...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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