she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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