Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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