I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
