a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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