his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
