my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Buhtt sex?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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