I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
