so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
