Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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