My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
