i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
