I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
