I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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