I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
