Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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