I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
