I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I will pee on everything he values.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
