direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
