i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
