Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
