I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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