My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
